Breaking the Cycle of Shame: A Deeper Look into Our Childhood Experiences

In the realm of Internal Family Systems, we often refer to the notion of 'exiles'. These are parts of ourselves burdened with experiences, sensations, and memories too overwhelming to confront - elements that have been shamed, exiled, and pushed aside.

I've noticed a common difficulty people encounter when trying to comprehend the types of experiences that could be overwhelming for a young child. In fact, due to a lack of understanding about emotional needs, our thoughts often catapult to the extremes. Physical abuse, sexual abuse, slavery, hunger, bullying - these are the observable and well-known definitions of trauma that come to mind.

Without a doubt, such early childhood experiences are dreadful and significantly shape how we cope as adults. Yet, there is another beast lurking in the shadows - emotional neglect. This is not to compare traumas or to place them on a single continuum. Rather, it's to suggest that all forms of trauma are harmful, and emotional neglect can be especially destructive.

The role of therapy, in many cases, is to guide individuals to understand that the issue is not 'what is wrong with them', but 'what happened to them'. This shift in perspective helps us transition from shame and self-blame to understanding and compassion. It illuminates the coping mechanisms we've developed to handle the challenging experiences in our lives.

Once illuminated, we can then evaluate whether the ways of coping we developed early in life - based on our situational understanding, capacity, and knowledge of that time - are still being employed today. However, I've observed that people often struggle to see how their early childhood experiences significantly impact their adult lives.

Parents, as the predominant influences during those years, shape a large part of how we perceive ourselves, the world, and others. This idea is encapsulated in attachment theory. It's not about blaming our parents, but I often see an almost reflexive response to shield one's childhood and their parents from any criticism.

Our day-to-day lives can sometimes feel like a distraction, preventing us from delving deeper. However, it's the patterns that recur throughout our lives that hint at something more profound than just surface experiences. And that 'deeper' element is our experience of emotional intimacy during childhood.

When discussing childhood parenting experiences, I've noticed a tendency to protect the image of hard-working, loving, and entirely untroubled living. But as a psychologist, father, and husband, I am acutely aware of the days when I have dropped the ball in one of these roles.

We can accept that all humans are imperfect. However, when it comes to our parents, we seem to hold them to a standard beyond that of mere humanity. It's as though they are exempt from human traits such as ignorance, forgetfulness, and selfishness. I would argue that this elevation of their status is what blocks us from seeing things clearly.

But perhaps as children, how else could we perceive these beings? They fed us, kept us safe, showed us intimacy, and were our only source of understanding this vast, scary world. They were the only ones who helped us comprehend our own big and scary feelings. Could we really have seen them in any other light? Maybe not during our childhood, teenhood, and even early adulthood.

Now, if we find ourselves in the same position as they once were - parents, husbands, wives, providers - shouldn't we feel similarly? Should we feel all-knowing and entirely confident, happily self-sacrificing for family and kids, with absolutely no desire for our own space, needs, and interests? I can't say I do, and I wonder, does anyone else?

By objectively evaluating our early life experiences, including those involving our parents, we can finally attain clarity on why we feel, think, and behave the way we do. We can shift from absolutes such as 'I had a great childhood and my parents did the best they could with what they had', to the balanced perspective of 'I had a childhood that had both good and bad times, and my parents loved me, but there were times where I felt alone'.

After all, if we continue to turn a blind eye, the only conclusion we can arrive at is that it was our fault. If it wasn't them, then it must be me. And thus, the cycle of shame continues to spin perpetually.