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I’ll admit that being a psychologist hasn’t given me any magic powers in parenting. My background in attachment theories, cognitive development, and behavioural science only goes so far. After six years as a parent, I’d say my psychology training has helped maybe 20% of the time. The rest? A whole lot of trial, error, and then more error—followed by new strategies, failing again, and endlessly tweaking.
Some days, I feel like a walking contradiction—a psychologist who’s learned a hundred ways to stay calm under pressure but who still gets flustered when my kids refuse to brush their teeth. But through all the moments of frustration and exhaustion, there are flashes of something better.
For 12 months now, my daughter, who’s five and a half, has been in jiu-jitsu classes. These classes are all about fun and movement, with a focus on foundational skills. But as a parent watching on, my feelings didn’t always match the laid-back approach. I’d sit on the sidelines, teeth gritted, watching her slack off or lose her focus during sparring. My mind would start spiralling: Why isn’t she focusing? She’s forming bad habits, wasting time, effort, and money.
Even without voicing these thoughts, I could tell she was noticing my frustration. Her smile faded, her gaze shifted. She’d keep glancing over at me, seeking reassurance instead of just having fun. On some level, I liked that—it felt like my presence was pushing her to try harder. But deep down, I knew it wasn’t what she needed. Her coach would remind us that, at her age, it’s all about enjoying the movements, not about performing perfectly.
Then came a moment of clarity. One day, out of nowhere, she connected several techniques into a flawless takedown, mount, and submission. It was a beautiful sequence, clearly the result of steady progress at her own pace. That was the moment I realised my frustration wasn’t about her at all—it was about me. Beneath my critiques was my own unresolved fear of failure, my own concerns about “not being enough,” spilling over into my parenting. I was projecting these insecurities onto her, and in doing so, I was at risk of unintentionally shaping her journey around my fears rather than her own needs.
Noticing, Understanding, and Healing Our Parts
Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy gave me the tools to explore this more deeply. IFS teaches us that we all have different parts inside us—some proactive, some reactive, and some wounded. These parts often take on roles or jobs over our lifetime, usually as responses to painful, challenging, or overwhelming moments, carrying messages like “never again” or “I won’t let this happen again.” These roles are designed to protect us, but they can become especially pronounced in parenting, where old wounds tend to resurface. In other words, whilst we may be reacting to our children in the moment, the manner, intensity, and duration are often influenced from our past.
Think about how you were parented—perhaps there was shaming, blaming, or criticism when you didn’t perform well or showed signs of laziness. Those experiences were painful, and in response, parts of you may have developed strategies to prevent that hurt from happening again. Maybe those parts drove you to perfection, making sure you always stayed one step ahead to avoid criticism.
Fast forward to today, and those same parts might become activated when you see your child not trying their best or slacking off. They react by warning, threatening, or coercing your child to change, because they are convinced that slacking off, not showing effort is bad, unhelpful or will result in some difficulty later on.
But the reality is different now: times have changed, you’re not your parents, and your child isn’t you. Yet these parts act as if nothing has changed, playing out the old scripts they know so well.
These parts hold onto old beliefs and strategies—many of which were unconsciously inherited from our own parents—and leap into action, even if their approach is no longer useful. Sometimes, we might even find ourselves horrified at our own reactions, thinking, “I swore I’d never act like this.” But recognising that these parts, despite their flawed strategies, are genuinely trying to help us can shift our perspective. It’s essential to notice the difference between a part’s good intention (to protect and prevent pain) and the actual effect its behavior has on our children.
In practice, this can mean stepping in too soon to shield our child from perceived failure or disappointment, giving advice they didn’t ask for, or preemptively shutting down emotions we find uncomfortable. While these parts mean well, they can unintentionally deny our children the chance to process their experiences, build resilience, and trust in their own ability to handle discomfort. Instead, our children may internalise the message that certain feelings or situations are bad and should be avoided at all costs.
Transitioning from reactive to Self-led parenting is a journey, not a quick fix. It’s important to be realistic—no parent is perfect. The balance between being overtaken by reactive parts and leading with our Self will fluctuate depending on our stress levels, exhaustion, or other pressures. But like any skill, the more we practice, the more adept we become at noticing when a part is activated and pausing to listen to it. This practice reassures our protective parts that their concerns are heard and will be addressed thoughtfully. If a part does take over, we can learn to forgive ourselves, make a repair, and model that process for our children. This shows them that mistakes can be met with compassion and accountability—a valuable lesson that helps them build their own resilience.
Healing Our Parts & Becoming Self-Led
Healing our own parts can be transformative in our parenting journey. Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapy offers an approach to self-understanding and healing that can help us respond rather than react. Here are a few practical ways to begin this process. My advice would be to pick one of the points and try it out for yourself.
Seek Therapy
Working with an IFS-trained therapist or someone with an attachment focus can support you in exploring your own parts—the protective, wounded, and fearful aspects of yourself that often surface in parenting. A therapist skilled in family dynamics can help you understand how these parts shape interactions with your child, especially when old wounds and unprocessed experiences influence your responses.
Reflect on Your Triggers
Notice if your responses are unusually intense or disproportionate to the situation. When logic takes a backseat and emotions drive your reactions, it may be a sign that past memories, beliefs, or traumas are influencing you. By recognising these moments, you create space to understand your reactions and choose to respond with intention.
Set Conscious Goals
If there are specific behaviours or parenting values you want to pass on—or avoid passing on—be intentional in setting these as goals in your therapy. For example, if you grew up with a highly critical parent and want to foster a more compassionate atmosphere for your child, make this a clear target.
Reframe Therapy as Preventative Care
Many people seek mental health support only when they feel overwhelmed, stressed, or in crisis. However, approaching therapy as preventative care, especially in parenting, can be incredibly effective. Daily frustrations, anger, tiredness, and feelings of helplessness are normal but also prime opportunities to explore what’s happening beneath the surface. When we work on these feelings preemptively, we can often prevent negative cycles and set up a more supportive, resilient family dynamic. Below are a number of instances that seeking help can be highly beneficial;
Your child is exhibiting oppositional or defiant behaviour.
School challenges, including absenteeism, arise.
You or your child face mental health challenges.
You and your partner experience conflict regarding parenting styles.
Neurodiversity is present in your family, and you’re navigating its unique dynamics.
Significant life changes, trauma, or family disruptions affect your child’s well-being.
Take Time to Check In
Before potentially challenging situations, take a moment to check in with yourself. Notice if you’re feeling emotional, and pause to acknowledge the part of you that’s activated. Thank it for its intention to protect, and ask it to work with you calmly.
Understand Behaviour from All Angles
When your child’s behaviour triggers you, remind yourself that it represents only one part of who they are. Approach with curiosity—what vulnerable parts might they be protecting through this behaviour?
Decline Negative Interactions
When conflicts escalate, feel empowered to pause. Stepping away allows you to approach the conversation from a grounded place later, avoiding negative spirals.
Acknowledge Mistakes and Apologise
When you realise a reactive part has taken over, apologise to your child and talk about what happened. This models accountability and shows that even adults can make repairs, setting a healthy example for them.
As parents, we often find ourselves caught between what we know and what we do. I’ve found that, despite my training and knowledge, I am still on this journey of working with my own parts as they come up in day-to-day interactions. The process isn’t perfect, but I have seen the difference it makes—the shift from reactivity to presence, from frustration to compassion, from part to self-led.
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