_edited.png)
I want to delve deeper into ADHD, focusing on the challenges faced by children with ADHD whose parents are unaware of their condition. These children often find themselves in difficult situations due to their unique nervous system, which can lead to increased shaming, criticism, blame, neglect, and abuse. It’s important to note that what may not seem harsh from an adult perspective—like a parent lashing out—can feel intensely overwhelming for a young child. For example, a moment when a parent scolds their child for not sitting still can feel like a major event for a 4-year-old, making them feel numb or completely shut down. These tough experiences cause different parts of their personality to carry deep emotional wounds. To cope, they often develop behaviours that are impulsive and meant to soothe themselves, like excessive spending, anger outbursts, and aggression. These coping behaviours often stem from the harsh experiences they faced when they were younger.
Parents often do not recognize neurodiversity in their children, and many developmental guidelines for kids are based on a typical framework. Society sets certain standards for children’s behavior and development, such as the expectation for kindergartners to pay attention, sit still, share, and make friends. For example, a child who struggles to pay attention in class may be seen as disruptive rather than needing extra support. However, these expectations may come at different stages for different children. Parents typically have limited reference points to judge their children’s development, relying primarily on classroom teachers, family observations, media portrayals, and literature. Even these sources are insufficient to determine if something is truly “abnormal,” and calling it “abnormal” is problematic as it emphasizes fitting into a broader social norm instead of appreciating each child’s unique strengths and challenges.
The transition from a play-based learning environment in childcare to a more academic setting in primary school often highlights this issue. For instance, a child who thrives in a hands-on, playful environment in preschool might struggle when expected to sit still and complete worksheets in primary school. The main point is that the shift to a particular way of learning suits a specific type of person. While a large percentage of children may adapt to this method, those with ADHD, who have different nervous systems, struggle significantly. This results in friction as these children adapt to the new learning environment, often feeling left behind. The constant cycle of new experiences and a persistent sense of being different or “wrong” continues to build, further impacting their self-esteem and ability to cope.
Parents and teachers both have parts of them working hard to meet certain expectations and standards. For example, parents might expect their child to finish homework by a certain time every evening, not realizing the child needs breaks to manage their ADHD. These standards can lead parents to misinterpret their child’s behavior or development as a sign that something needs to be fixed rather than providing the necessary support. Similarly, teachers focus on fitting children into the classroom structure rather than addressing individual learning needs. This approach shifts the focus away from truly seeing and understanding each child as they are at any given moment. Embracing the belief that every child has the potential to reach their own abilities and milestones, when supported and accepted where they are, is crucial for their development and well-being.
This is not a criticism of teachers but rather of the broader system that aims to provide education to a large number of students in the most efficient and effective way possible. For instance, a teacher with 25 students cannot reasonably provide individualized attention to each child. This system, by its very nature, cannot individualize instruction for each student. The constraints of the educational system mean that a general approach is often necessary, which inevitably overlooks the unique needs of neurodivergent students.
Additionally, individuals with ADHD often have very active and strong parts of their personality that are proactive and focused on planning to prevent bad feelings from occurring. For example, a person with ADHD might obsessively plan their day to avoid any potential criticism or failure. These parts tend to be overly perfectionistic and critical of themselves, always providing self-coaching. This behavior often stems from internalized feedback from teachers and parents, which they have heard repeatedly. In adult life, individuals with ADHD frequently find themselves stuck in a cycle of trying to conform, failing due to their neurodivergence, engaging in self-soothing or impulsive behaviors, and then becoming even more self-critical and shaming, echoing the feedback they received in their youth. This cycle continues to perpetuate until it is consciously addressed.
A therapeutic approach called Internal Family Systems (IFS) provides a framework to help individuals with ADHD and other forms of neurodivergence come to terms with their childhood experiences and understand how these experiences shape their interactions with the world. For example, through IFS, a person might explore how a childhood experience of being scolded for daydreaming affects their current self-esteem and behavior. IFS allows individuals to break old cyclical patterns and find healing. This is why I enjoy working with adults with ADHD; it is powerful to see an adult unburden younger parts of themselves that were continuously shamed by society, parents, teachers, and peers who did not understand their condition. It is transformative when their adult selves can offer the compassion and understanding they needed as children.
Comments