A Brief Exercise on How to Become Self-Led (10-15 minutes)

Think of a time when you faced a stress, a setback, or a challenge. It could be something recent, like a work deadline you missed or an argument with someone close to you. 

Notice your immediate reaction to that situation. What did you feel or do right away? Did you start worrying, become anxious, try to problem-solve immediately, or maybe felt the need to seek reassurance? Take note of what your first response was, and then consider if there were any subsequent reactions. Did your initial worry lead to overthinking, or did your frustration make you lash out? Sometimes, these reactions come in a chain.

Now, be curious about how you learned to respond this way. Think back to other times when you’ve reacted similarly. Where might these reactions have come from? Maybe there were earlier experiences where handling things this way seemed to work, or perhaps it’s something you were taught or observed growing up. Acknowledge that these reactions, even if they seem unhelpful now, likely developed with the intention of protecting you or helping you in some way.

Consider what these parts of you might be trying to protect or soothe. Ask yourself, what do they fear might happen if they didn’t react in this way? For example, if you tend to worry a lot, maybe that part of you is afraid that if it doesn’t stay on high alert, something important will slip through the cracks. Understanding the fears driving these reactions can help you see them not as flaws but as parts of you trying to keep you safe.

Acknowledge the creativity and capability of these parts. Recognize that they have been working hard to protect you, even if their methods seem counterproductive now. Appreciate their efforts and consider how amazing it is that they developed these strategies to help you cope, even if those strategies are now outdated.

As the person you are today, with more experience, resources, and capabilities, think about what you can offer these parts of yourself. You’re no longer in the situations that first required these reactions, and you have more tools at your disposal now. How might you support these parts in a way that honors their role but also helps them adapt to who you’ve become? What can you offer them—whether it’s reassurance, calm, or a new way to handle things—that can help them relax their hold?

Finally, notice what it feels like to be the person that your parts have been looking for all this time. What does it feel like to step into this role, where you’re no longer reacting from old patterns but instead choosing your responses from a place of self-awareness and care? Take a moment to reflect on this, and see what it’s like to offer yourself this kind of support.

Reflection

What was this experience like for you? How did it feel to reflect on things in this way? Did it bring up new insights, or did it feel challenging? You might find that thinking about your reactions and the deeper feelings behind them is something you haven’t done before. It can be a different and sometimes difficult process, but it can also be incredibly revealing and empowering.

If you found this exercise helpful or if it stirred up some curiosity within you to explore more about your inner world, I encourage you to consider seeking out an Internal Family Systems (IFS) therapist. Working with an IFS therapist can help you dive deeper into these parts of yourself, offering a supportive space to develop greater self-awareness and more compassionate ways to respond to life’s challenges.